dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
