I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
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