I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Randomize
