I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Randomize
