dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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