Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
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