i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
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