Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Randomize
