The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
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