as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
