She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
I would like to add..this is the first november for two years that i haven't cheated on a bf...thank you..thank you
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
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