your parents love me but you hate me
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
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