i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Randomize
