Jerry, you need to find god
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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