The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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