I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
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