why didn't you poke me back
Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
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