Sooo i definitely have a major burn on my chin from kenny's ...stubble from making out for hours while coked up. Pure class.
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
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