This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
