mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
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