Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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