I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Randomize
