I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
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