My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
Randomize
