update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
Randomize
