the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
Randomize
