Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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