apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
