roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
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