there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
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