Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
i need some magic done to my vagina
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
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