I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
