im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Randomize
