I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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