She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
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