im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
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