please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
I accidentally burped into my bong.
Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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