am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
Randomize
