I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Randomize
