i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
Don't use my boy Weezy to support your whoreish tendencies.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
