the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
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