i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
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