Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
