I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Randomize
