well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Randomize
