half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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