I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Never underestimate the power of titties
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