Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
Randomize
