I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
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