this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
