Wooohooo! I'm sitting in the car like a creep watching people walk in and out of Blush. Lots of happy people.
After last night, I could never be a politician.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
So i told my advisor i had to drop the class bc the prof said "supposably" and "irregardless" within the 1st 10 minutes of the 1st class; she agreed with me that dropping it was the best choice
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
